Too many emotions
by levios
Summary: Arthur has decided to tell Merlin about his feelings for him but things don't go exactly as planned, or do they? Merthur. Oneshot.


**AN:** This is a pretty short story, and I don't really know where it came from.. Maybe you could say that Arthur is a bit OC here, but in my opinion it's fine since this is a completely different situation than we've seen him in before (since this is an AU). It was fun to write anyhow and I hope you like it! A little bit angsty I might add, but not too much I hope!

I still don't own Merlin and I still want to know what you think! ;)

* * *

I take the glass and put it to my lips again, not being the least thirsty but needing something to distract me from my thoughts. I have been like this the whole evening. I don't even know how much I've drunk, I'm just happy there's nothing alcoholic, then I would've passed out by now. I'm not even sure how drinking is helping me, but at least I have a reason to put it on a hold for a little longer. Because you don't break your heart whilst you're thirsty – right? That doesn't make sense.

"Are you okay? You almost seem a bit pale?" He asks gently.

This is ridiculous. I have known him for more than half of my life. I would say that he is the one who knows me the best. Even better than myself on some points. Still, why does it have to be so hard to just _tell him_? I have already decided and I'm not leaving until I do. I take a deep breath and turn to him.

"I have something to tell you." I say slowly, trying desperately not to waver on my voice.

"Okay." He smiles encouraging at me. God, I hope he'll still smile once I've told him.

No more water. I shall not drink. I shall tell him. Just _say it_. What is the worst that can happen, really?

"Was the food really that spicy?" He asks when I put the glass back on the table and curse myself inwardly.

Toilet though, I actually do have to use the toilet. And that is nothing you put on hold – right. Therefore I politely excuse myself and walk slowly, not fast at all, to the toilet. And if Merlin says I run away, he's the idiot. Why the hell would I run away?

The first time I met Merlin I was thirteen. And I was not very mature. I guess you can say I was a prat. Yeah, I'm even using his word now. So you can tell how much things have changed since then. How much I have changed, because of him.

We didn't start out as friends, but it didn't take long before we got closer. I'm not really sure how, we were really different all along. But something just _clicked_ I guess. It was like we understood each other, like we were two sides of the same coin. Cheeky, I know, but that's what it feels like.

I have never told him but our friendship means the world to me. I've won contents, won tournaments, gotten perfect grades, I have an interesting and highly paid job, and I have even managed to please my father which isn't easy.. but none of that matters if I don't have Merlin at my side.

I take a deep breath and try desperately not to panic. Once I panic I will not be able to stop. I've not had a panic attack in years, but hell do I remember the feeling. I wash my face with cold water to calm myself. I've been in here way too long, I have to get out there so he won't start to worry. He does that occasionally. Worry I mean. About me. Which is pretty amazing to be honest.

I take my eyes from the mirror and head to the door. I try to remember why I thought it was a good idea to tell him in the first place. Many people have secret crushes on their friends without telling a soul, why can't I be one of them? The idea of not telling him actually calms my nerves a bit and the clump in my throat loosens. I don't _have to_ tell him. No. I can keep it a secret for a little longer. I'll tell him another day. Not today.

The air suddenly seems easier to breath and I let out a breath that I didn't know I had been holding. I won't tell him. I'll keep it a secret.

"Why do you look so happy all of sudden? Did you have a stomachache that let go?" Merlin winked at me.

"Something like that."

"Weren't you going to tell me something?"

My stomach tightens again. I'm not going to tell him. Not. Not going to tell him. I can feel the pressure leaving slightly but not completely. The nervousness is replaced with another emotion I don't like. And it's definitely not guilt.

"Really? I can't remember."

Or maybe it is.

"You have the memory of a gold fish, I tell you." Merlin teases and punches me lightly on the arm and leans down in the sofa so he's mostly laying down.

I also try to relax and put a pillow behind my back to lean against. Unfortunately, that doesn't help. I look over to Merlin who is now lying comfortably in the sofa with his eyes on the movie. We have both watched it plenty of times so we don't really have to pay attention. But it's good nevertheless and I probably would've watched it if I wasn't too distracted.

"You're staying the night, right?"

"Yeah."

I almost wish I didn't have to. When I come over I always use to stay the night, I have both toothbrush and night cloths here. It's usually convenient, but tonight I would've wanted to sleep in my own bed.

It was years ago that Merlin invested in a king size bed, claiming that the one he had before was too small for the both of us. That was probably around the time where I started to feel that maybe it was a bit _strange_ for two teenage guys to share a bed when having a sleepover? I never voiced these thoughts though.

The rest of the night pass by pretty uneventful and it's not until I hear Merlin snoring next to me in the sofa that I find the energy to stand up and get redo for bed. I do my night routine and walk back out to the living room and the sleeping Merlin. This is not the first time he has fallen asleep in the sofa when I'm over and I smile fondly at him. I have never understood how he can live his life so carefree. He doesn't over think things like I do. He just.. lives. And does what he likes.

I sit down on the floor next to him. He is beautiful, even when he sleeps. He looks so peaceful and I can't stop myself from admiring him.

I would love to take the opportunity and kiss him. That's what they would've done in any romantic movie. If one of the main characters fall asleep it's a given the that other will come and gaze lovingly before giving the other a quick kiss, the one asleep not noticing a thing.

I don't do that though. I want Merlin as my boyfriend, I really do. But in that case I want it to be right. I don't want to steal his kisses. And I'm not sure it's something a good friend would do. And for now the most important thing is staying his friend because I wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

Therefore, I put my hands carefully under his body and lift him up and carry him to his bed, just as I always do in this situation. I lie him down slowly, careful not to wake him, and put a pillow under his head.

* * *

When I wake up I find myself in an.. _interesting_ situation. During the night Merlin has all but draped himself over me and he's now lying with a leg over my torso and his arm hugging my neck. This isn't the first time this has happened of course, but every time it does happen I can't help the warm sensation going through my body and I have to push myself away before Merlin notices just _how much_ he affects me.

"Nngh.. Just a bit longer 'thur.."

Merlin's voice is filled with sleep and I'm not sure if he's awake or not. I still myself for some seconds before I try to get lose again, trying harder this time not to wake him.

"D'nt go.." Merlin whines and hugs my body harder when I try to struggle my way out.

This has _not_ happened before.

"What?"

Merlin stirs in his sleep and brings his leg lower so it's hugging my legs but does not remove his tight grip on me.

"We used to snuggle in the morning. When we were younger. What changed Arthur?"

That's when I realize that Merlin is not asleep at all. He opens his eyes and look at me. I don't know what to say so I don't answer. He is so _close_. I can feel his breathing on my neck. I should _really_ get away from here before he finds out of my attraction in a way that would not help our friendship the least!

This time I don't bother about being careful and push him off me before rushing to the bathroom. When I close the door my face is flushed and my heart is beating fast. What _was_ that? Why did he do that? I sink to the floor and put my head in my hands. I didn't meant to be rough. He was just being friendly, I know that. But somehow it got too much. I didn't expect that. His friendship almost gets to much sometimes. I want to be his friend. I really do. But it's making me insane to have him but still not _have_ him. The way I want. The way I long for.

I wash my face with ice cold water to calm myself down. I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't a very nice thing to do. He was obviously tired and maybe he wanted some comfort. His father died at a young age and to make things go round his mother is almost always away working. Leaving Merlin alone. Which is why I'm often here and ever since we were young he has invited me to come over when he is alone.

He has a lot of friends. But I am probably his closest. I know I mean a big deal for him. I can feel it. He has always been more clingy to me than anyone else. When he is feeling down or alone he uses to call me and when I come over he lies down in my lap not saying a thing but looking pretty content. I think he feels alone. He has never had any girlfriend either to fill his loneliness.

When I come back to his bedroom he has left. A part of me really wants him to still lie there, so I can take back my previous actions and just get in there with him and cuddle. Maybe I could even tell him my true feelings.

Or not, considering my stomach, it doesn't like that at all. The thought of telling him makes it go hard and it _hurts._

Merlin is making breakfast for us both but he isn't smiling as usual. Instead he almost acts as if he is frustrated. Why would he be frustrated?

"Arthur, we need to talk." He says when he puts down the plate with eggs that he has prepared for us.

I only nod, not trusting my voice. Something of the way he said that made my stomach and throat start complaining again and I feel a bit nauseous again.

"I realize that having a gay best friend isn't easy for you, and maybe I crossed some kind of line this morning but it hurts me when you treat me like that. I've tried to be patient but ever since that party you've been acting awfully strange and I don't think I can take it anymore."

I sit down at the table when he does the same but say nothing. Gay best friend?

"Is this your way of coming out to me?"

That is clearly the wrong thing to say.

Merlin stands up from his chair and puts down his cup with a bang.

"I'm trying to be serious here! Can you stop looking at me like you don't know what I'm talking about?! I'm just asking you to stop the tripping around, it's not like I'm not able to control myself. I'm not going to jump you if that's what you're afraid of."

My mouth falls open but I can't help it. I can see Merlin's eyes starting to darken and he looks almost like he's about to punch me. Before he has time to say anything I interrupt him.

"I think we have a misunderstanding here." I say as quick as I can and walks over to him so I stand just next to him.

"Merlin I really don't know what you're talking about. I had no idea you were gay.. which is totally fine by the way! I didn't know. And I am certainly not afraid of you making a move on me."

The last words slip out easily. Too easily and after I've said them I feel my anxiety coming back. Still I try to look reassuring, but I don't dare trying out a smile because that would probably not resemble a smile at all.

I realize that he's waiting for me to continue and I take a deep breath. I'm still scared. I still don't know what will happen after I tell him. But it seems like we have to have this discussion if we want to save our friendship and if I don't tell him now I'm afraid I never will.

"I'm really sorry Merlin if I've ever made you feel like you've done something wrong. I honestly think this is all a misunderstanding. I'm not afraid of you at all.. Or maybe I am, but that's only because my feelings for you are too strong and.. I don't want to lose you Merlin." I start out with a clear and what I hope a gently tone, but as I talk I feel that I speak lower and lower until I only whisper the last words. His expression changes from angry to confused to some kind of understanding.

"I don't want to lose you either." He says and fumbles with the hem of his shirt.

I nod encouragingly at him because I feel that he wants to continue and I really don't know what more to say.

"So, you're okay with me being gay then? And you're not afraid of me jumping you? Why did you freak out this morning then? And why have you behaved so strangely lately?"

"Why do you keep saying that you'd jump me?" I can't help but ask.

Merlin's cheeks turn red and his eyes wander to the floor. The fumbling with his shirt doesn't stop.

"I say that I won't jump you, are you listening?"

I know his irritated tone is just some kind of self defense and I step even closer to him so I can feel his warmth. I take his hands in mine and prevent them from doing any actual damage to his clothes and the action actually makes Merlin look up and meet my eyes.

"I am listening. But I don't understand. Why would I be afraid that my crush were to take some kind of initiative?"

Merlin's eyes widen and he practically gapes at me.

"Would you be angry if I were to kiss you?" I say and try to control the shiver in my voice.

I didn't think it was possible but Merlin's eyes become even wider and I almost worry that he doesn't breathe.

"Merlin?" I ask after a while, my heart still beating hard.

Merlin blinks several times but he's still not saying anything, making me even more nervous.

I take his hands, that I still hold in mine, and puts them on my heart. This seems to snatch him out of whatever trans Merlin was in and suddenly he all but throw himself on me.

It is hardly the most romantic kiss in world history, but I don't care. He could have bitten me for all I care and it would still be amazing, simply because it is Merlin.

He doesn't bite me though, it's more of a press of lips than a kiss really, but he still smile goofy when he leans back.

"I guess I wouldn't be too angry with you." He says jokingly and winks at me.

And that's just how Merlin is. He's impulsive and a bit strange and I love him because of it. Something happens inside me when he smiles at me like that and this time it's me who press my lips to his. I don't pull away as soon as our lips meet though, and I can practically feel him melt in my arms when our tongues meet.

This kiss makes my knees week and I decide it's time to sit down. I guide us to the sofa and push him down so I can lie on top of him.

The kissing turns more passionate and I feel my heart beating fast for a completely different reason than nervousness. Luckily I'm not the only one affected and what started out as an innocent kiss becomes a not that innocent make out session.

I still don't know what Merlin meant when he said I'd been acting strange since a party or how he could have thought I knew about him being gay, but those things doesn't matter anymore. I might have acted like a nervous wreck through all of this as well, which isn't that good for my reputation in general, but I got what I wanted in the end so who am I to complain?


End file.
